Nobody's fault but mine

[Christine Daye]

Christine looks out over the river, her voice and gaze distant, gone into the past.

"...in the Táin Bó Culaigne... the cattle raid of Cooley... Cúchulainn defended Ulster by fighting a series of single combats at fords against Queen Medb's champions.... the Morrígan appeared to him as a young woman and offers him her love, and her aid in the battle, but he rejected her...so, in his next combat she took the form of an eel who trips him... the next as a wolf who stampeded cattle across the ford... and the third time as a white, red-eared heifer leading the stampede, just as she had warned...

"... but Cúchulainn wounded her in each form and still defeated his opponents... for as was foretold, he was the greatest and best of warriors... wounds that would never heal until he gave her his blessing...

"...so she appeared to him as an old woman bearing the same three wounds, milking a cow. She gave Cúchulainn three drinks of milk and he blessed her with each drink... healing her... though he regrets it...

"...she foretold Cúchulainn's death... as he rode to meet his enemies, he met her as a hag washing his bloody armour in a ford.... and when he was mortally wounded, he tied himself to a standing stone with his own entrails so he could die upright.... it is only when a crow... the Morrígan... lands on his shoulder that his enemies know he is dead..."

[annabelle]

The Ventrue wanted to punch herself for her stupidity. You will think someone with her wits would be able to see what was in front of her face way sooner. What a mess, what a complete and devastating mess and this mesmerising creature was just struggling to keep her sanity so beautifully with so much dignity. Internally she groans, upset with her own self, for putting her in the spotlight that way without realising.

She resists the need to hug the young Toreador. She definitely needed a hug from a friend, not a brother, not a nurse, not a lover, just a friend. However, Helen knew better since she woke up in this world…Victorians were scandalised with simple friendly gestures of affection so she kept holding Kira’s hand without reaching further. Instead she tried to reach with her words, tiptoeing around her privacy that Kira was so desperately holding on.

“You know these more than me Kira, you know the answers, you just need to listen…listen to you this time. You can channel your curiosity back to yourself sometimes, ask yourself the questions and answer them yourself. Sometimes this is needed you know. The balance. The listeners need to learn to listen themselves more and the other way around. Balance is beautiful even if it means you will balance on extremes like Persephone.”

She touches softly one of her dark ringlets with a light teasing in her gesture from their previous ringlet adventures.
“But don’t forget, because I understand that is forgettable. Don’t forget yourself I am begging you. The way you want your loved ones to take care of themselves, that way you need to take care you. Don’t drain yourself whilst keeping this balance. You can imagine what will happen if you end up exhausted, you will hurt your loved ones more. And I am sure you will ask me how to keep the balance and not hurt yourself because that’s what you will normally ask. I’ll probably say this is for you to figure out. I am figuring it out for myself and it seems every story requires a different approach. You will need to find your own golden rule.”

She then waives her hand “Let’s leave the snakes and their symbolism for another walk.”

Then Christine begins her story and Helen stays quiet, trying to process the meaning behind her story and observing Kira’s reaction hoping Kira will see beyond what Christine is saying. Hoping Kira established some sort of hope on Christine that day and could see beyond her words.

[LittleBird]

Balance is beautiful even if it means you will balance on extremes like Persephone.

"Balance on extremes? What extremes do you see me on Helen?" she tilts her head, "Any extremes I can think of to see are in the past, I'm just aiming for stability now," even if the chaos and the raw rushes that ferried me away are all greatly missed...

Kira blinks as Helens voice spreads across the air, she looks down to their hands still locked and softly bows her head, squeezing her hand twice in comfort, "After a flooding of friendship, a closeness I never knew in this life, nor did I know in the memories I've been recollecting, there was silence, an emptiness, a starkness, a dare I say it? Coldness? There was no other voice to ground me, nor to boost me, or keep me afloat, or even merely a call back, to tie me to to a dock at the bay." her voice trails off and her mind sinks again.

That contrast did more than cut like a knife, imagine, feeling deprived of all contact, all light, all sounds, all tastes, smells, every sensation imaginable, and then slowly you are introduced to them, it is like a flood at first but not, so gentle, so tender, so overwhelming but it's so simple-it does build, build to which would flood one accustomed but done so in a way it is natural, it is more than needed, it is wanted. Then it is gone, not gently gone, just ceased. The majority of nights last year after held little audience then myself for my mind. And I listened, and it did little good. It twisted things, a broken sigh turned into a whimper, turned into a sob, a wail, a scream and so on, memories turned inside and out, from the joy they brought to a hypothesis of what ifs and undeserved fears, shame, and the tearing apart of my so called self-estee-!SO why overthink now? Why over listen again Kira. You're here, their lake is calm, and you can walk from the surf to land, you needn't drown alone at sea again...

"It was foolish," she admits with an easy shrug, perspective and time perhaps allow such words to come freely...or something else entirely new, "it was self destructive and blinding. I would call it selfish, but...I may be many things but I am not a selfish soul." her eyes stand defiant at that, so sure of that statement, "I would rather help others than wallow, but...that wasn't an option freely given,"
I would rather fight for another than myself, always have done. I'd have preferred to listen to other parties, I would have preferred anything, but no one answered back. I could have chased but no, they did not want that, so, I did what I loathe to do. I filled that silence with me, myself and I.

"Yet of course, little did I know then, they could not answer, there were no answers to give. There were no what ifs, there were no parties whose choices could have relieved or changed, or healed anything faster...it was needed. Despite how wasteful it felt at the time, it was anything but in the long run," she breathes a tired flickering smile to her friend.

"Meditation helped of course, it is a powerful and transformative tool," one that perhaps I have had no choice but to be reliant on... "I often practise its teachings when my thoughts tip too far to one side." she smiles serenely, "Tis...tis always enlightening to learn various meditations to put to my collection..."

Don’t forget yourself I am begging you

Kira pouts her lips and lets her breath fan over the Ventrues fingertips, "Hmm, first time I have heard you beg my dear," she gasps, "Do not fret," she pasts her back, "any forgetting is dictated to the past," she trails her own fingers to Helens ringlet and entwines it along two fingers, curling and uncurling it softly, "I can assure you of that..."

"I have family, I have a home, those who I care for are safe, secure...and are finding their way as best as they can. I may not be certain of my core in the same sense you are, but perhaps for me so much is so intrinsically entwined that I do not wish to separate them? And I am happy to accept that, always," she nudges her arm playfully into Helens.

"There will always be struggles, yet at the end of the night, if their happiness is in full bloom or at least close enough to be in reach, then well... What else matters? If that means I am to be hidden in the back, or off to one side, then let it be. If my name is omitted from talks of family, or...or such reunions are soon to be deemed impossible, then so be it. I am no burden any more, I know that-yet I do not need to be in the spot light nor claw my way up some totem pole to determine my rightful place..."

you will ask me how to keep the balance and not hurt yourself because that’s what you will normally ask

"I will not ask such things, I am always eager to offer a hand, to help those I care for, it is not a chore-but I will hardly get spent by such." she rolls her eyes at the thought and is quick to reassure, "They have nothing to concern themselves with in regards to my well-being, I am not some windup doll who will get cease to move once the key is turned. And my mind will not fall into such dark traps as they once did." or if I do slip it is but a moment...until the sense helps me climb back on track"They have me at their call and their need," she twirls Helen around and chuckles warmly, ending the gesture with a low curtsy, "as do you both,"

She continues a smaller dancing motion with Helen yet slows the spins and still, hand in hand with Helen gestures to sit as Christine weaves her tales for the two kindred once more.

"In threes once more" Kira smiles, rising. She swings Helens hand in hers softly as she begins to trail her walk to a wandering pace once more, "but, why this tale Christine? Did she know him before under another guise?" she ponders, trying to understand, "What was her aim...if he rejected her offer as an old crone, only to accept the same offer as a beautiful maiden perhaps..perhaps there'd be some moral to some form of punishment, but this...I do not understand. Perhaps he did not want to take advantage of her guise, or put her in harms way? Perhaps he thought his cause so just he kept any other wants locked away?"

"...I'm looking too much into this again, aren't I?" she chuckles lightly, "Gods do not follow by the morals of the past, yet alone the morality that plagues us in these fair nights. Still, are such punishments, such actions often Morigans way in her tales? ...is this piece of Morrigans lore a favourite of yours Christine?"

[Christine Daye]

Helen and Kira are talking at a level Christine cannot reach, lost as she is in the ripple of the waters, the ache in her chest. But phrases chime, and she looks to Kira in sympathy and recognition.

"There was no other voice to ground me, nor to boost me, or keep me afloat, or even merely a call back, to tie me to to a dock at the bay.... if their happiness is in full bloom or at least close enough to be in reach, then well... What else matters? If that means I am to be hidden in the back, or off to one side, then let it be...."

Christine smiles at Kira, nods acknowledgement. Yes, she recognises this. She curtseys deeply to the Toreador, acknowledgement of Kira's self-sacrifice. Christine knows in her blood and her bone, how much such a thing costs.

But yet she cannot put this into words. And song, well, it will make no sense to the others. But she sings softly anyway.

"So I’m working the graveyard, I don’t sleep till it’s light
Ain’t calling in favors, I can’t swallow my pride
And the bank’s on a mission, they want to read me my rights
But they ever show up around here, they’re going to be in for a fight
'Cause the devil’s in my hometown and I ain’t telling him no
'Cause it’s my family, it’s my love now, that I’m scared to let go
And I say oh, oh
Rain don’t change the sun
Jealous is the night when the morning comes
But it always comes"

Back to stories, safer ground.

"Not my favourite tale, no... just the most famous... part of a much greater tale... I think you would like it..."

She thinks for a moment.

"I don't know for sure what her aims were... the stories do not say... but it was not love that had her do what she did... or at least not love for him... though I think that she could love... stories say she had a son once... but he was killed by the Sons of Man... love of battle and heroics, perhaps... oh, this is all quite complicated, please bear with me!

"...you see, Cúchulainn chose to take up arms on the day when the druid Cathbad prophesied that the one who did so would have a short life, but a great one, and their name would live in glory forever... and is it not the truth? For we are speaking of him now...

"...and warriors are the Morrígan's chosen... perhaps he dedicated himself to her when he took up arms... perhaps she was testing him... to see if he was worthy... I don't know...

"...for sure, he could not afford the distraction... he was the only one standing between the army of Connaught and the fields of Ulster... he had to hold out as long as he could..."

[annabelle]

Helen tilts her head to the side with pretentious surprise “I was talking about Persephone…but now that you mentioned that…You really think the extremes are in your past? With that family of yours?” Helen laughs bitterly to that, somewhat amused that Kira would think the worst are in the past. Normally, she would be politer, allow her to feed on hopes but she specifically asked Helen to be honest so the Ventrue thought Kira deserved some honesty, even if it was false for the young rose.

“Stability is not balance and can be illusive. Stability means the floor you are standing on is solid and won’t collapse or that you can build a floor on solid ground. From what I’ve seen, that floor in your family’s life is tilting from one side to the other and I am not sure you even know what kind of floor it is or why you are standing there. Call them naïve Christmas observations if you may. Also, if you think you can get away by not listening to yourself and then I wish you the best. Maybe your efforts will be more fruitful than mine. Perhaps I should try that mediation thingy. Everyone in this house is meditating all the time and I am bored to death, literally, I might as well join the party.” She mutters and she doesn’t seem really excited with the prospect.

Helen could talk for ages. Tell to Kira that trying the best for her family is not enough. She needed to become the best of the best to help them in times of need. But then Helen wasn’t sure if that was a good advice. She could recognise there were many ways and she was just obsessively stuck in her past, unable to see other options, other fates, other fears, other hopes. So instead she chosen to stay quiet and try to understand Kira’s perspective a little bit more before jumping to conclusions because indeed she wasn’t a windup doll, not at all.

“Sorry for preaching, I blame the Ventrue arrogance” she says drily.

And where Christine was standing in all this? Helen stares at her friend responding beautifully to Kira and she smiles with relief. They will find time later with Christine, it was a delicate balance of emotions. She hoped her newfound sister will find some sort of peace before that dawn.

[LittleBird]

Kira looks rather taken aback by Christine's curtsy, she looks over her shoulder, wondering perchance if some force of nature occurred or some word said that required another honouring of Persephone, or perhaps this was her tribute for discussing Morrigan? What ever the true intentions were are rather lost on Kira, especially since the gaze is on her during the gesture, so in proper Victorian fashion she returns the gesture with sheepish confusion yet a polite warmth nonetheless.

She lets her feet wander, almost mimicking the steps of a dance, a slower one yet not quite a waltz, still hand in hand with Helen as Christine sings.

Her eyes both lower, heavy lidded, slipping into that drowsy familiarity with one or two phrases and yet looking up softly to Christine, searching for some thread, some trace, some light in unknown purpose of many others.

Nonetheless she bows her head with a smile and offers applause by clapping her arm, still holding hands as they go on. "Bravo my dear! Such a piece-yet it is a new surprise to me, mmm what draws you to this piece?" she asks, finally letting her applause die down.

She returns her attention to Helen and quickens up the pace once more, "Balancing on extremes sounds thrilling, true!-even...even inviting," she hums full of electricity before slowing down with a shrug as she continues.

"As much as I may want stability, I think at times I often mean the safety to freely push such comforts. Yet still, it sounds as if you're merely teetering on the precipice of a very long fall..."

"Hey, hey, hey now! Whole family is tilting? And that's just based on Christmas-nope!" she wrinkles her nose and wiggles a
finger, "My brother was as brilliant a host and caring a friend and...just a overgenerous soul, and I do not just mean in the form of presents either, as he always is. Cissy, despite being dropped in the deep end never appeared out of her element. They were fantastic. But yes, Christmas was a rarity, and excluding my...poor judgement of one member leading to that ill thought out and needless defence of my passed out brother, no one in our ranks performed a fowl. The rest of the wildcards and the fuel added to the embers were certainly not of our tree born! Twas only I who fucked things up," and I am but a bastard "and I don't count," she assures Helen with chuckle as dark as Dorians after a drink or two.

"I never said I wouldn't listen to myself-just, just that listening too deeply is rarely a good thing-that is true in most aspects in life though yes? That strive for balance?"

"Everyone at home meditates?" her whole body seems to double take, "Since when! My brother perhaps, he was who taught me, but-no, no, Violet and Lunaris certainly not! Too busy breaking cabinets. And Constance, I think she may subconsciously meditate when scrubbing the lab, I doubt she'd need to sit down and meditate fully, she is often to the point and quick to remove what is clutter,"

"Truly though Helen, it...it isn't as dull as it may appear, tis relaxing, fulfilling and enlightening-it's...tis hard to describe," she admits, musing on the right turn of phrase, "Twas hard to keep myself still, hard to give in at first, well-you know me," she chuckles, wriggling her fingers to demonstrate her lively ways, "I think you may even find it addicting in time, clearing your various chakras, building them up, feeling them flow, it's...it is an awe-inspiring comfort and a challenge, in the most wondrous ways,"

Sorry for preaching, I blame the Ventrue arrogance
She nudges Helen with a little more force this time. "Never apologise for voicing your opinions or for offering advice, if you were preaching I would have shut it down quickly before you even noticed." she teases.

"Soo...so," she returns her attentions to Christine and the tales of Morrigan, "her flying on his remains, his remains held high by his own doing...was, was like an honour?" she murmurs softly, "Does Morrigan appear in tales often with her sisters too? What was her relationship with them? Or...or were the trio often kept apart?"

[Christine Daye]

"... Such a piece-yet it is a new surprise to me, mmm what draws you to this piece?"

Christine blinks in confusion. Choice? For music?

"...um... it is the song that needed to be sung in that moment... the song that the Universe wanted to hear..."

She can't explain it, so she just shrugs helplessly.

The discussion of Christmas makes her wince, though she has to admire Kira's familial loyalty. Still... it's a sore spot. She holds fast to the memory, the message.

"‘Tis hard, so hard, in patience to abide.
I will keep faith, and be soon by your side..."

Her voice is a faint murmur - she seems unaware that she has spoken. Then, a bit more brightly:

"...oh, but there are so many ways to meditate... um... or so I think... to find oneself in total absorption... so that the self drops away... and there is nothing left but stillness... complete sublimation to the Universe... or so it feels... in my music... "

She trails away again, sounding uncertain. What does she know about such things? Next to nothing.

Shut up Christine. No one asked you. And enough with the childish stories.

She flinches, looks with a start at something that isn't there. Her head is starting to ache, and she pinches the bridge of her nose with green gloved fingers.

"her flying on his remains, his remains held high by his own doing...was, was like an honour?"

"...I... I think so, yes... for sure he was the greatest warrior Ireland has ever seen... so many tales of him... his training... how he got his name... stories for perhaps another time...?"

She hums quietly.

"....will there ever be another like my mystical child..."

"...I only know one story... where the Morrígan appears with her sisters... and that is a long one... about Olc Glas... the serpent... but in that... they are happy... and merry in each other's company..."

She rubs gently at her scarf-wrapped throat.

"...um... I am sorry, dear Mr Helios, Mr Kai... but I will need to get home soon... I don't want Maestra to worry... especially after... um... but... at the same time... I don't want disappoint you... I am very glad that we had the chance to talk... properly... um..."