Nobody's fault but mine

[annabelle]

Helen’s voice sounds behind them and is a serious tone, almost harsh… “Kira, my question has not been ignored by Christine. It has been answered in more ways than I hoped. And this is a statement I prefer not to be questioned, for reasons I probably cannot explain. Christine listens…she truly does.” But then her tone softens up a little.

“For all your curiosity and insightfulness, you tend to try to bring the others to your own world and set of communication rules to understand them. Why don’t you try to approach their world, no matter how different it might be, and let it flow without a protest? Maybe then you will find the answers you are seeking without even asking. You may even find the answers you didn’t seek but needed. And that statement might not even fit your set of communication rules and you might not comprehend it. But I can try to bring it closer to your world perhaps to make you understand my point.”

[LittleBird]

Kira raises a brow and can barely compress a dry snort, communication rules? Jesus, Kira has none, and whatever ones she had she destroyed by speaking in so many metaphors the past few hours and all for the singers sake.

"I have been trying to all evening, there are winding streams on some or boulders down others-there is not always a flow to feel, but of course," Kira sit down once more with her hands splayed open, a willingness and calm begins ebb away at the disappointment and confusion, "I will continue to try-apologies if my questions were fast and hard Miss Daae-there is just a lot to cover and yet another bridge to cross, tis hard to do so without a better guide," mmm, Kira wonders if such metaphors are actually contagious and if she would ever be rid of them, "Please, continue," her smile and eyes continue to slowly leave the dull behind, not as bright as they once were, but they are close, just a weight, a heaviness remains that she is trying to abandon too.

[Christine Daye]

That's it. Christine has had enough. Enough of the lectures, the insinuations, the over-familiarity, the not so veiled insults.

She regathers herself, casting a grateful look at Helen, singing to her.

"...oh, I got a sister
I got a sister and she can preach
And I said if I should die
And my soul become lost
Well I know that it's nobody's fault but mine... "

Taking a deep breath, she faces Kira, calm and collected.

"Mr Kai, I will ask your indulgence and speak plainly from henceforth. I will refrain from metaphor as much as I am able, in order to communicate as clearly as possible. For, like you, I fear that we are speaking at cross-purposes."

Another deep breath, and she counts on her fingers as she speaks.

"Firstly, I have no intention of ever setting foot in Maudlin ever again. It was the place of my torture and embrace. And mistake me not - it is not hyperbole when I say torture. My sire broke me. Physically, emotionally, mentally. He broke me, and I am still picking up the pieces."

"Secondly, I will never again write for my betrayer. I never again will waste thought or creative energy on him. He betrayed me. He is nothing."

"Thirdly, my love for my family is private. I do not speak of them to the detail you wish, because I respect their privacy. It has felt to me this night that you have continually questioned my love for them and theirs for me. And I have not responded because it is private. I love them. I trust them. And I do not need to justify myself, or prove their love for me, or me for them."

"Fourthly, the offer of gifts. In my people, if an offer of a gift is made, it must be refused thrice to be truly refused. It is the way of things. The gifts I give are freely given, without obligation. I will confess that I did feel a debt to you after Christmas, but with your words, I understand that to have been a misunderstanding on my part, and I thank you for the clarification."

"...um... Fifthly... I offered truths because I thought it would amuse you. A call back to our games. That is all. You took it as if I had some ulterior motive, calling me a liar. It was not intended as anything more than amusement. "

"Sixthly, it is lovely to hear about your music! I would gladly talk with you about it for hours, for it sounds like you are doing things that are wondrously innovative!"

A look of genuine concern crosses her face.

"...though please be careful with your re-stringing, especially with piano wire! The tension of piano strings is far higher than of the gut used for violin. It can damage the violin, break the bridge or the neck. Not to mention the damage it might do to your fingers! Please, take care of yourself... "

"...um... where was I... oh yes... but on the subject of music, I ask that you would respect my ability and knowledge, as I respect yours, and refrain from lecturing me about it."

"Yes, I am aware that my obsession with music is excessive. It is my nature and my madness. But, to remove any shadow of doubt, the only thing more important to me than my music is my family. And this is family that has come together through choice, not just blood."

Another deep breath.

"Seventhly, of course in the situation that Mr Helios suggests, of course I would consult with the family member, or anyone else before making such a grave decision. No pun intended."

"In the situation where one I love was in danger, I would do anything - anything! to prevent them from harm, to ease their pain. I would pay any price, and gladly, even unto damnation. That is what I mean when I say that I would sing as I burned. I do not care if I suffer, as long as they are safe, unharmed. And I am not blind to them, to their needs, their wants, their desires. I weight their needs and desires far, far above my own! But I can only speak for myself, for what I would do. For what I will do."

Another breath. It's pointless speaking of the sacrifices Christine has already made, the actions to back up her words. The long nights of study, searching for a way out of the tangled maze for one of her loves. Putting herself physically between harm and another of her loves. The sweet, long conversations, talking of everything and nothing, where the words are unimportant. What matters is the connection, the shared experience.

But that will mean nothing to Kira. She has already judged Christine as shallow, selfish, foolish. Unworthy. Christine suspects that no word or action on her part will change this, ever.

"Lastly, my name is Miss Daye. Not Daae."

[annabelle]

Christine and Kira were using different languages to communicate, tiptoeing around the swallow waters, thinking this was the best way for them. Good intentions, they both had good intentions but they couldn’t reassure each other in a way that would have been understandable to both. Such a shame to see two souls who were able to understand selflessness, to not be able to see it in each other. Or such a shame to try to force it out as well in hurry.

Helen stares at Kira “If you try to build a bridge fast and with limited knowledge, knowledge acquired with time and hard study, it will never last long Kira. Your intentions might be selfless and courageous. You might be desperate to build it fast because…because you might help the citizens of both sides reach each other and this might be fundamental for both sides but…but you won’t do any good if the bridge is faulty and drowns the passengers.”

She then stares at Christine “Christine, intentions are important, more important than words and actions sometimes. Even if it’s hard and you feel exposed, think first why this was initiated in the first place, why you’ve been bombarded with all these questions. And if you are not sure, ask why.”

She sighs softly focuses her attention back to Kira “What I am trying to say to both, is that sometimes good intentions can’t make every action or question right.” Then her eyes to Christine “and some other times good intentions might be the thing to hold on when a conflict arises.”

She then rubs her forehead with desperation and stares at the floor “And to myself I have to say that I don’t qualify for a mediator and you are both intelligent enough to do this without me, so I am sorry if I am interfering. I am not trying to patronise anyone and I certainly don’t think I know the best way to communicate things. God knows what a mess I’ve made myself in other cases. I just get frustrated when I see each other’s intentions clearly and you can’t see it yourselves.”

[LittleBird]

"You do not need to seek my indulgence for such Christine. Honesty no matter how sharp is welcome here," Kira bows her head, eager for the girl to go on, Twas what we wanted,

She listens carefully, her eyes search the singer every so often and look away when it appears she needs time to regather her thoughts or a break from a gaze.

"Thank you for trying to explain Christine, tis appreciated by far," she exclaims in gratitude, "It seems we have gotten muddled often tonight," the exhaustion that swept over Kira previously has been completely washed away, she speaks in a gentle tone, slower then usual perhaps, a gentle ebb and flow, "we have misunderstood each other so much we can hardly place where we began, hmmm."

"We are trying to read the same pages with different scribes as our guide, but truly as I've stated, you do not need to feel obligated to answer questions, I never expected that. Freely given remember? Forgive me, we're still so new to each other, but never fear any reactions by refusing to answer a question or moving to some more comfortable topic swiftly. If I do chase, tis out of concern for you or another, an-and I did chase twice," she admits, "but apart from that, I left many a topic when you wished it to end-none the less, my apologies for the ill those words have caused or stirred. And do feel free to speak your mind if you wish, you needn't hold back with me," she nods and a brief hopeful smile crosses over her lips.

"Your words and your experiences are your own, I never mistook you when you spoke of your time in Maudlin-tis your ordeal, tis what you have grown through-you bring it up often, in my presence at least. I merely meant to offer perhaps thought to return and seek some form of composure or comparison to settle such, a offer, an ideal to help-yet of course you have your own tried and tested ways my dear."

"But please consider this, to offer a new perspective does not always mean it must downplay the worth of another. And I am thankful you are comfortable enough in your own to know what is the way for you-most people aren't, or most people settle thinking there are no other options-so thank you, for hearing out my words, even though they were certainly not needed."

"Same goes for the second of your points, an offer to write for yourself, not them, for yourself, and your own feelings-if keeping them locked helps you to purge it or if you prefer to keep them safe, then all the best for you. After all, what way works to ease such crimes...tis for you and your own to hold."

"Why do you think I offer such words? To expect reports? To expect you to follow my suggestions as if it were a physical order? No, no, not at all! Never! Twas the mere warm wisp of a thought to do with or discard as you wish...no one wants to see a friend hurting, we do what we can, even if tis just a ear to listen, or a word that we feel may help them on their own paths."

"I will be more careful with my words in the future, or withhold the nagging of potential thoughts or advice should you prefer it Christine?"

"Third point of yours, well,though again, apologies if my words and manner came across certain ways. But I have never questioned your love for them or anyones love for you, never have, and never will." she swears, "Who could truly question a love eh? Though yes, there are times in the past when darkness comes and others have been hurt due to it, caught in a cross fire of sorts-but that isn't always the case, besides some of that is inevitable right? I want us to be friends, I do not want the past to corrupt what is and can be, for you and all you care for. Today shouldn't be judged on the lessons of yesterday, that's the main reason I was eager for this, to confirm my hopes and brush my fears away. I can see you try to do what you can with what you are able to give, it cannot be easy-but those feelings, words and actions, well those mean more than any accidental hurt," her voice off, that brief blink of a hopeful smile appears and seeming peppers her words too.

"Besides, we were talking, when you speak of people who are to have important roles in your life, when your face lights up at such, of course I will ask questions, I love to hear people so enthused!-so passionate!-So joyful of the words they speak, especially when it comes to others-and as I said before, I respect the fact you use other titles for them, I merely wondered what about this one made you feel there was promise and hope to come-you need not answer of course, but again, we have tumbled somewhere, I don't seek justifications, merely to talk-to talk as perhaps you would say of things that make your soul sing. Sorry if that was too bold to ask,"

"For your fifth point, I never meant to insinuate such, just to point that declaring you would offer truths repeatedly may appear as such for others-just a observation, one oddly enough a fellow rose made at court in regards to another among us, again I thought it potentially helpful to point it out, in case others with less open ears would hear such from you in the future."

"We came here on equal footing and as sincerely as we stand now. If I thought you a liar we wouldn't have gotten this far now, would we?"

"Sixth point, thank you-there are so many more topics we can touch upon regarding our arts! But yes, I have two violins, one is my older instrument, one Des Rosier gave me, the one I've modified, it started off as technique training when I was bored and grew into something more-yes, yes I am aware of the potential risks of the piano wire-" Kira chuckles, "I've learned tis best for the bow to be composed of those as opposed to the strings, it's a work in progress. My favourite violin though is certainly not such a hodgepodge, a string or a new bridge are all that needs replacing. I take good care of both, just one conventionally so and the other tends to be rebuilt quite often...there's so much beauty in the classical technique, in learning every single accent and dynamic to a piece, yet also to create something new, that feels right-even when it does not always sound as right as you're used too."

"Hmm? Lecture you about music? We were having a discussion...I don't see where this is-" Kira looks rather confused then nods her head, it matters not what her feelings on the matter, misread or not, they still upset Christine, "Right you are then, apologies once more, it appears many of our words have been interpreted wrong-as I have learned intentions often count as nought sadly-and as dear Helios is quite quick to point out, the path to hell is paved with good intentions." she chuckles.

"Oh please Christine, family and music being at the top was never a shadow of a doubt, I was merely wondering what other arts if any took a space on the mantle? Any other activities? Hobbies? Travels that fill your nights? Anything else?"

"Thank you, it means alot to me," she breathes "When you asked another question instead of answering Helios's original, I was worried you did not listen to her. And that was a worry of mine-no, not a mere worry or concern, a dread. Christmas shown me that while many people love my brother, that to many people he means the world and more for, that still, despite all that most do not listen to him, or care to ask him simple things...they would rather speak in his stead. Take action in his name. Thank you, for displaying you are not one of those, and forgive me too once more, for not listening or seeing all as fully as I should have."

"And look? See how far we have come? We both have stakes in this. We both want this to work. We're both hoping, and now...we're learning too," her cheeks brim as her smile grows, and a spring in her step she walks ahead, "Soo, finally," offering a low bow, "Pleasure to regain your acquaintance Miss Daye."

"If such still sounds appealing for you, how about we take a further stroll? We can gather more flowers, offer another tribute, I hope I am not alone in wanting to thank the waters for the part they have played in cleansing the air tonight,"

"And of course, a flower crown too perhaps for Helios? For bringing us together in the first place, for allowing us the time to speak and granting us aid when we can no longer see the forest from the trees-thank you for your words good sir!-and you are more then welcome to stay if we all continue onwards," she reasures.

"Oh!" Kira gasps, "-don't fret Miss Daye, I did not forget about point four-" her eyes twinkle once again and she asks very softly, "if there happens to be a tale behind such a custom, and if you so happen to wish to share it, it would be our honour to hear it,"

[Christine Daye]

Intentions? I will give the benefit of the doubt whenever I can, and I have been trying so very hard to listen, to understand! But I am no mind reader, to see the hearts of others! I can only judge by word and by action... I barely know the workings of my own mind! .... but I will try...

Christine nods at Helen's request.

"It is a hard thing you ask... so often a request for clarification can be taken as insult... or invitation to violence... "

She shudders, quickly hides it.

"...but if it is understood that such clarification is appropriate in this company, then I understand... and I thank you... both of you... "

The Malkavian listens intently to Kira, the tension slowly draining out of her. At Kira's words "the path to hell is paved with good intentions" she lets loose a soft huff of laughter, and murmurs:

"...ah, you read my mind, Mr Kai... "

It seems so easy now. Now, they are finally communicating, finally in the same key. And all it took was bluntness to the point of rudeness. Still, she's touched by Kira's unreserved apologies and efforts to bridge the gap between them.

"Thank you for your kind words, Mr Kai. I think that I begin to understand now. And I apologise for my part in any misunderstanding."

She too spreads her hands in a "What can you do?" gesture.

"My mind does not work as others do. Some things I can only communicate in music, if at all. But now I understand, and I will not hesitate to steer the conversation as needed. Please, as I will, please do ask for clarification should I be less than clear."

She smiles, and it's open and honest.

"...hobbies... I'm afraid that I spoke true when I said that my obsession was music! It is very boring of me, I know! I also write poetry though, and I read, and I plan concerts and shows. I am also partial to shopping. "

She giggles.

"I think that a flower crown would look excellent on Mr Helios, though he might take it as an affront to his manhood. Perhaps such offerings should be given to our dear Helen instead?"

"...oh, and the power of three? ... um... you are aware that I am a changeling? ... um...."

She looks nervous at this. She's never sure how people will react to this announcement.

[annabelle]

While the two girls are conversing, finally reaching a middle ground, Helen reaches a slow realisation and gives herself an inner slap.

“Heavy is the head that wears the crown, even if it’s a flower one.” She says distantly and then she shakes her head with bitterness.

“In Byzantium, there was a saying. If you are outside the dance you sing a lot of songs. Meaning that if you are not involved in the dance, if you are not sweaty or out of breath, or busy trying to keep up the pace or coordinate the steps with your dance partner or partners, it’s easy to sing and keep the rhythm. I can assure you that in the dearest dance to me, I am out of breath as well, unable to sing or even to dance. Unable to breach bridges and speak their language. So lets make two crowns for both of you instead. Though you dance and sweat and get exhausted but you still try to keep the rhythm, you are still trying to coordinate each other’s steps.”

And with that she walks towards the river trying to find some flowers in the dark and leave them continue their conversation without her interference.

[LittleBird]

Kira nods, "I will do my best not to ask so much at once again, tis unfair," "And while I prefer frankness, I prefer honesty even if another feels it may hurt me...that should not take a priority, if you would prefer other routes then underlining and explaining things for me, feel free-I may be slow on the uptake at first, but we'll get there, we can just-" she pauses in her steps and stretches her hands in her pockets, "just waddle along in our own time, enjoy the views too while we're at it right?" she gestures with a caring smile. "Thank you though, for offering further clarity in the future too, you are too kind,"

"You are welcome Miss Daye, and I too thank you, for the time, patience and efforts you have put forth this evening,"

"Though, perhaps for tonight, we may place a evening ban on any further apologies, or we can bundle them into all we have already said? After all, we can no doubt apologise all night for the accidents that piled up," she chuckles.

"Tis not boring at all dear! So much goes into your art-I did not know you planned shows though! What was your favourite show to plan and what goes into organising and creating such?"

"Aww reading! What works do you enjoy?" "I recall you saying so before, was it during the masked ball? I am not too familiar with that term, though the power of three, yes that is something I've seen be eluded too a lot, but for something that hints at so much history, I have yet to read of it's origins...was it always there?"

"Apologies Helios, I was not thinking," Kira calls out as Helen leaves, "What flower item would you prefer instead?" she asks casually as she changes direction to catch up to her, "Not every example, not every action is comparable to another. Yet you do all you can, the aid and support you have given us this evening is invaluable Helen," Kira's voice becoming a lowered soft veil of a tone, hardly caring for addressing her as she is, "You say you are unable to build bridges? What makes you think that? Is it the same reasons you told us earlier, about not rushing to build incase you endanger all you wished to save?" Kira looks on over to Christine, giving a little distance as she too looks for flowers, hoping a closer friend will be more welcome to Helen right now. But before she leaves her friends shadow, she swings her leg to tap Helens foot "You can be too hard on yourself Helen,"

[Christine Daye]

"...dancers cannot dance together without a beat, dear Mr Helios..."

Christine's tone is soft, following Helen as she steps away.

"...and like your namesake, you have provided the light that showed our differences for the shadows they are, rather than the walls we feared them to be... and I am grateful."

She turns her attention back to Kira.

"Well then, honesty is what I shall do my very best to provide... but please, bear with me at times... it is not the easiest way for me..."

She giggles.

"...yes, you are quite right. A ban on apologies for the rest of the conversation! So be it!"

"Alas, by planning shows... perhaps concerts is more accurate? I plan my set lists for my performances, but I have not yet had the privilege of directing an opera.... though if I am honest with myself, it seems like ferociously hard work! I have played stage manager in my time, even at Elysium, and oh, that was frightfully tedious! I spent more time running around chasing down performers than I did socialising, which was such a bore!"

"...reading... the Strand, obviously! The classics.... I am very fond of poetry... Shakespeare of course... Lord Byron... and the delightfully melancholy Mr Edgar Allan Poetry... and I have been known to partake in a novel here and there... though often I use them for inspiration for potential opera plots, though Maestra has a far better grounding in opera than I..."

She relaxes at Kira's lack of concern about the faerie confession. But still her voice is low, for she is speaking of secrets.

"...ah... changeling... it basically means that I am what people might call a fairy... though there are subtleties there that are hard to explain... "

"...so, three... It is a recurring theme in so many fairy stories... even now, even with Messrs Grimm's collection... think of three wishes... three billy goats gruff!
I myself do not know the truth of it, of its origins... like so many things in this world it is a Mystery... but I know that three has power... an obvious manifestation in the Trinity, Father, Son and Holy Spirit."

She crosses herself, a reflex, before continuing.

"But, with my kind, three is special. Thrice three hundred years were the Children of Lir under enchantment. Thrice were the dreams of Deirdre, and it was three drops of honey and three drops of blood that she saw. Three spears cast at Cuchulain, each destined to slay a king."

"To swear thrice is to be firmly bound, to refuse thrice is to truly refuse... as is to offer thrice..."

A thought strikes her.

"...even amoung Kindred... three is powerful... think you of the three drinks needed to come under another's thrall... "

[annabelle]

“I don’t like flowers nor crowns.” Helen murmurs as she is searching for flowers ironically. “Good questions all of them Kira but I don’t have answers to any of them. But that’s a discussion for another day, another time. This is time for your bridges not mine.”

Kira’s presence and comment about being too hard on herself bringing a smirk in Helen’s face “Not really, I am as hard as I should be. The other way is being a hypocrite. Hate hypocrites, would be a hypocrite if I was one.”

"...dancers cannot dance together without a beat, dear Mr Helios..."

Helen shrugs her shoulders with not much interest “I suppose.” But then her interest sparks upon the reference of Helios.

“Yes Christine! Helios is the sun in greek mytholody indeed! Well spotted. He was not just an Olympian god, he was a titan, one of the original gods who were taken down by the Olympians. Love this part of Greek Mytholody. Apollo took his place afterwards and he did a good job if you ask me. It seemed we didn’t need the titans…Anyway, don’t get me started with the greek mytholody, I’ll end up mumbling and disturbing your lovely conversation.” She says and laughs with a little bit of comical embarrassment.

She didn’t had any intentions to disturb them more, since she was enjoying searching blindly for flowers, but then Christine mentioned Shakespeare so her curiosity won.

“But…since you are talking about favourite readings and you mentioned Shakespeare. Does anyone know what the play much ado about nothing is about?”