Nobody's fault but mine

[Christine Daye]

It comes over Christine like a wave. Exhaustion. Still, she holds herself properly. ...the show goes on...

"...I... I don't know what it means... for some... there is a grieving... for others... it is just the way of things..."

She shrugs again and wags a finger in mock admonishment, trying to smile.

"...ah, now... do you not know the power of true names? I am sorry... but I must deny you that knowledge... though in truth... there is but potential there as yet..."

A spark of gratitude as Kira gives her space. But then with each of her further words, Christine tenses, humming in agitation.

"...no... no more... I will write for him... I will sing for him... I will think of him no more!"

Her voice is low, fierce and vehement. She looks at Kira, gaze angry, hurt.

"...no more gifts for my betrayer... my heart breaker... my faithless... hurtful love... who wanted to take everything from me... and so nearly succeeded...."

Then she turns away, humming again, calming herself. Driving back memories with song.

"...trust I seek and I find in you... everyday for us something new... open mind for a different view... and nothing else matters... "

Still looking at the river, she replies to the question: "were there any memories worth keeping of your time there?"

Her voice is distant, like she is describing something that happened to someone else.

"...there were seventy two patches on the wall of my cell where the whitewash had flaked off to reveal the brickwork underneath... twelve links in the chain they used to bind me to the wall, when the hysteria was too much.... I used to run my fingers over the links, feeling the roughness, the coldness of the iron... it burned...they took away my gloves, so they had to bind me, lest I injure myself... I still rubbed my fingers raw...."

A sigh, and she rubs her face with her gloved hands.

"I am sorry again... the time... it got away from me... in those halls... so much is forgotten... lost to my madness... I am glad that you found your family... and I hope you recover your memories smoothly..."

[LittleBird]

"I did not mean name," Kira chuckles, "You grant them these colourful names for a reason...I do not understand this whole true name business, yet I certainly know enough about nicknames, or titles, and have more then enough respect air of mystery!" she beams, "Sooo, who is this new potential lucky man like? What about them inspires you? Makes you hopeful for them to be your new muse?"

"I shall not speak of him no longer if you do not wish it," Kira does not raise her hands in submission as Christine stares at her so, she holds her ground, and for those who look her aura appearing like a comforting blanket with forgiveness weaved through the seems, shimmering and brilliant with its pattern...though a pain of a... past betrayal?-past hurt?-past loss?-well whatever it can be seen as, it remains but, barely, tis little more than the fraying threads at a corner, as she speaks, "-but please, mull over the words I offered, it will do nothing but blind and bind you in pain if you keep those feelings hidden deep and deeper still. It cuts yes? What happens when a knife cuts deep? But what happens when you air the blade? When you over use it? Air it as you will?...the blade becomes dull, so you can shine and balance is restored, yes?"

"You have your ways Christine, and though you have many friends, lovers, muses and treasured souls that brighten your nights, I still offer all I can for you should you need it..." she grants a tender bittersweet smile as her mind wonders.
Can you never forgive him, or never forgive yourself, do you believe you deserve this, is this some self flagellation for being unable to see the unseen? Or a self-indulgence to gather what kept you close...


"...you feel that a memory worthy of keeping? What do you want to keep from that time?" "Feeling flush Christine," Kira takes a handkerchief from her reticule, "feel free to keep it my dear, or damp it in the waters should that help you. Would a brisker walk do us good? Yes, lets."

. I am glad that you found your family...
Kira chuckles dryly, climbing up the stairs, "Twas my family who paid for my mother to be there, they paid for them to treat her well but could not give a fuck to check on us. Twas little more than hush money my dear. Twas my family who paid them to keep me there to be primed as proper lady before being taken on, hmmm," she sighs, "And no, I can never find my mother, not in this life nor the next, she is not meant to linger-but do not look down, that is a brilliant thing!" she reassures, "but yes the only family that matters now are those who found me or stumbled into the same room as I. My brother. And my Cousin. And no memories matter but those we have created since, the past is a the reflection of a mirror, a painting of a painting-it cannot be changed just cemented with fresher eyes."

[Christine Daye]

...if ever there was debt, it is paid now...

Christine tries to laugh it off.

"La, Mr Kai! You have a gift for asking questions that I have no answers to... Like so many things in this life, the nature and experience of muses is a Mystery... a sacred trust... and one, that I am sure a creative soul like yourself is already well acquainted with!"

A murmured "thank you" is all her response to Kira's words about blades, and the offer of help. It's a subject that she obviously wishes closed.

Similarly, she waves away the offered handkerchief, one of her own already in her hand. Another long look at the river, a phrase of song:

"...and she looked at the waters of life flowing by.... and she heard a voice saying 'you're not alone in the fight'...."

She can do nothing but shrug to the question: "...you feel that a memory worthy of keeping?"

"...it is the brightest memory I have of that place..."

It's a whisper of confession, and then she waves it away with a bright smile.

"Oh, yes! It is the family we find now, that we make now, that is our strength and our salvation."

She turns to look back at Helen, smiling acknowledgement.

"But hark at us, being so melancholy on such a beautiful night! Tell me, if you will, Mr Kai... tell me of your ambitions, your music and your work. Tell me of what makes your soul sing, what makes you get out of bed in the morning. Or, if such things are too private, then simply tell me about something that amuses you."

[LittleBird]

"Hmmm, there are answers, yet just because they may not be as concrete as a structure of a sentence does not mean they are non existent," Kira offers gently before smiling freshly to close the subject, "Well, I hope this new potential muse materialises to your fullest wishes, that he will treasure the part he plays and you will both rise each other when the melodies slip too far into the realms of discord,"

Kira wraps her handkerchief back, for one who speaks of balance there is little to be seen...mmm, perhaps the waters need to settle, "I am sorry," she calls softly, Daaes words not at all harkening to any such treatment she recalls at the place yet her sympathies and concerns ring true none the less, "Have you ever thought of returning? Thought of ways to re imagine or reform their ways back at Maudlin? Not a easy thought but...if it still weighs on your soul still," she lets her words linger unfinished.

"Indeed, they are among the greatest joy this life or the ones before or after could ever hope to bare!" she agrees brightly brushing down her coat, her energy rising parelled to Christine's, "Do you count many in our circles as close or closer than family in these nights Miss Daae?"

"My music?" Kira muses for a moment, one arm slightly held out as if a phantom violin is placed there, she closes her eyes and murmurs for a moment before audible words are formed.

"My compositions on violin are not ones I have publicly played, nor do I have plans too, see they are mainly duets that we work on, I doubt they will ever truly be finished-" she does not appear saddened at that statement, quite the opposite, the lakes of her eyes take on a brightness, a vibrancy that lifts her spirits up, everything in her manner grows so as her explanation continues. "yet it does more than please me to commit such flowing thoughts, such etched memories and words and render them bare in note form-and to see more notes appear, the harmonies, the counter melodies, the shifting of the rhythm and the switching of keys-I need to be more than speedy to erm, re-tune my instrument twice already for one act of the piece so far-I can hardly wait to see what else is in store for it!" her eyes widen at the challenge yet she chuckles, clearly embracing it none the less.

"There are little pieces I have written that do not have another string to join, those are ones I have written words for, yet it does not compare-I am no composer for the voice, it is not where my hand and heart lies, tis the movements, the gestures, the feelings, the sensations that I can portray through the strings exhibit all I wish to convey and more. I admire any who can truly bring out such via words for the voice too, but alas for now, that is beyond me, yet those attempts do exist," she sheepishly admits.
"There are a few pieces I am learning though, that I may perform in time, we shall see. The finale of Gounods Faust, that gorgeous up lifting trio as Marguerite calls to the heavens is one I feel incredibly privileged to play, it is divine...Oh!-and Purcell is always a darling to play-there are plenty of works of his I am sure will suit your voice greatly my dear, and the words, well they are near written for you!"

"As for ambitions...I have little, of course I wish to be a upstanding member of our community, mettle tested and at the ready for their call, and in time, to officially be a part of my family truly... to regain what was mine too I guess-" she speaks those as if rattling off a list, her body sings with sincereity but tis tired as if those go without saying, "but I do want to work more on chakras, tis a discipline and artform I wish to hone, tis brilliant for the heart and soul, so that's something I guess,"

"But of course you already know the answer to what makes my soul sing, what gets me out of bed every morning: Family. Their happiness. Their safety and comfort. Their success. Their dreams. Their all. Always." her smile...does not widen, but it borders on the serene, a smile that feels as if it was carved into the very core of her soul. For all the truths she has let part from her lips tonight, nothing, nothing could ever eclipse this, "There is nothing I would not do for them," Familia Supra Omnia

"And for you Miss Daae? Apart from your tours, what other ambitions lie in store? And apart from music what makes your soul take flight?"

[annabelle]

Helen smiles subtly again when Christine mentions what she considers family but she remains quietly behind them.

"There is nothing I would not do for them,"

Kira's standing all too familiar and relatable. She was seeing an alternate universe in Kira's path. The determination, the selflessness, the hope. She couldn't ignore that, it punched and lifted the Ventrue's spirits altogether.

Her phrase loud in her head like a repetitive echo.

"If a family member dies, is it a sin to try to bring them back? Is it selfishness? If they decided to remain by your side, is it a crime to try to bring them back in flesh?" she whispers mostly to herself but the words leave her vocal chords by their own accord. And she knows she heard that, her sister heard that, feeling a colder breeze licking her shoulder like an echo or a sign. Or is it an illusion? a wish? were the dreams her wishes or truly her?

[Christine Daye]

"Have you ever thought of returning?"

Christine blinks, completely speechless for several long moments. Thoughts clash in her head, like a set of windchimes dropped down the stairs.

"...return....?" she says weakly. "...no.... I cannot go back... never..."

Return?! To the place where her sire... experimented on her, wringing screams from her throat with all the ease of a master musician? To the place that she only escaped by virtue of death? To the place where...

No. Nononono.

She shakes her head vehemently, pushing back her madness. ...I will be your sword and shield your camouflage and you will be mine...

A deep breath, and she tilts her head interest.

"...oh... duets? For violin and...? The violin is such a beautiful instrument... such purity! Though..." and here she looks a bit confused "a violin is a chromatic instrument, is it not? Why do you need to retune it between movements? Do you need a greater range than it possesses?"

She nods.

"And yes, I am very fond of Purcell - Dido is one of my favourite roles! And his Faerie Queen..." A smile.

She nods again at Kira's recitation of ambitions and passions.

"All very noble and honourable, and sentiments that I share with you, Mr Kai, though alas my parents are long dead.... God rest their souls... and I never had a brother or sister."

A faint smile.

"Other ambitions? Beyond my music?"

She laughs, a low chuckle.

"I think that you have a far greater opinion of my abilities than I... my music is my obsession, my damnation and redemption, and I would have it no other way!"

Her head turns slightly at Helen's words, her heart suddenly pierced with guilt and a wash of sympathy for the Ventrue. Papa's voice in her ear and she winces.

"She is devoted to her family. Unlike you, ungrateful, useless whore!"

She covers the wince quickly, humming to herself, but remains silent.

[LittleBird]

"-never is a long time," she whispers, then offers more words, speaking a little fuller out yet that vulnerable tinge remains. "Sometimes, sometimes I wish to revisit places that held the terrors of my life, just to prove to myself I've knocked that time over and built on top of it-that the chains it had pierced into me are now a leash of my creation, and one that I can tie around it and let go whenever I wish..." she gestures with her hands, grasping the air proudly, before letting go with as if it were absolutely nothing, "should you ever have such urges and wish to visit there with a friend, I would be honoured to accompany you,"

Kira smiles at her sudden urge of interest, "For Violin and Viola," Kira nods, "Yes, there is a part where the violin tries to reach notes that are more in the violas range and the viola tries to reach notes in the violins range. It is a magnificent moment of clarity-if you're deft enough to tune correctly and delicately," she smirks, "It was written by mistake and-"

Her voice halts in her tracks as if another voice is correcting her, she tilts her head back as another memory stirs her back to who she is, " well no...nothing we wrote was a mistake, twas all true," she corrects herself, in a tone barely above a whisper, before bounding on as before. "what I mean to say is, we did not plan it, it just came to be and we've found ways around it, but yes, the quality of tone changes, drastically between instruments, more so than you'd believe," her hand clutches their necklace proudly.

"Tis a little unorthodox," she admits, "but it makes a unique piece, it hits all the emotions we could care to capture and beyond... on my older violin I sometimes switch the strings to piano wire or the bow depending what mood I am in, now that...that is a sound Wagner could truly utilise," she chuckles.


Kira nods, "Yes the Faerie Queen, that was the very role I thought would enthrall you-have you ever performed her onstage?"

"My condolences Miss Daae-" Kira bows her head and takes her hat off for a moment, "such cannot be replaced, no one lost can be-yet you yourself spoke about the family we find, earlier...are there any you would count as such? The family you find and choose to keep?"

"Music is your ambition, all that you say and more, above all others, of course yet...is there not room for others my dear?"

"Mmm?" Kira looks up to Helens words, then back to Christine, giving them a moment. As the silence envelopes Kira rises from the steps and walks along to the waters edge once more, "Well, Helios, I do have some thoughts on such things..."

"Is it a sin? Well, with many aspects in life, it depends." she kneels down, "If you indeed are able to contact them, and if they are by your side as you say, let us say yes. Well, what should come first?" she looks over her shoulder and lets the question drop, her hands departing themselves of the gloves during those moments. "Them." She reminds her two friends.

"You should find out their wishes, if they wish to remain as they are, if they wish your help in order to pass on, or if they indeed wish to be returned to the flesh," she reaches her hands into the water once again, a calming gesture to and fro the waters surface, a odd contrast to the absolutes of her words, "or who knows, some other altogether different path they choose, it all depends on their answer. In which case, obliging their wishes can hardly be called a sin now can it!?"

"Their feelings, their choice, their voice should come first. Always." she brings her legs to her chest as that soft vow of a smile returns, "You may want them back, with all your heart," her eyes grow heavy as she blinks down, "how can you not. But what if they are happy to pass? What if they want to keep that state to help guide you or others?" she suggests, "What if tis a path or a road they do not wish you to cross and would prefer another one out there to aid them?"

"Wh-what if-" Kira's head turns into her neck, that comforting nudge to herself, that lonely lost gesture she has displayed before-but not so lost, their is a strength in her words that beats through out. "What if the actions to return them to the flesh will forever change them, and in a restoration they are impeccably lost?" her body shudders, a fire to her eyes not lit since Christmas.

"To think that is wrong beyond measure-yet alone to truly go through with that!-to force a outcome that goes against their wishes-or even worse!" her tone snaps, "to never consult them!- To never ask them in the first place-well, if you think for them and take their choice away, that!-that right there is selfishness beyond any measure, one that Dante should create a new circle for, it may not be a written sin officially, yet deep down we know it is,"

"You may believe you know someone better then you know yourself-but sadly, most cases...people who say that," She splashes the water outwards and sighs heavily, "well, most cases, what you say you know, what you are so certain of, is what you want of them, what your idealised view of them is to be...and that clouds a lot, it hides the answers you may like...hence answering for them, choosing for them, the ignorant thieving of their future. That is cruel-and the worst kind of selfishness in oh so many ways. Most who do it that way never outwardly realise. Tis subconscious, just beneath the surface. Most make choices, make plans for another, they call it aid, yet it is their own wants, their own selfish fears, they may even alter their minds eye to fit their patterned actions into their fixed narrative-that is not fair... Their choice matters more than yours in such moments."

"Especially," Kira stresses, "when so much is at stake...like the scenario you describe my dear" she blinks up, looking out to Helen again, "...though do not forget this, if they are unable to be contacted from the other side, rejoice, they have nothing to fear, they are at peace...what more is there to hope for," she beams through red rimmed eyes. Blinking away she coughs and gathers herself, kneeling forward, "Yet if they are at your side, also rejoice, for they have chosen to stay there...they must trust you to listen, their feelings must be ever so strong...do not take it for granted," she breathes, "Ensure it's their wish you enact, and not your own, as hard as it may be...it would only ruin the links what was in time to go against them."

Kira keeps as she was, turned away for a few moments in her little corner by the edge before she rises and while keeping her ground, looks over her shoulder to Helen, "And it cannot be easy for them...just as it won't be for you, they will want to do what makes you happy. It goes both ways!" she chuckles sadly, "if they feel you want them to stay, they may indeed answer such for you, but reassure them, swear to them, it's all for them now. For you love them, their your family, so of course, of course, you can only do right by them, for them, so listen...they will feel you were heaven sent for such selfless actions." she nods.

[annabelle]

After her question about bringing the dead back, the moment Christine stays silent, Helen’s face freezes like she’ve heard something. Her eyes glazed with an emotion so powerful and so shocking it stops her in her track. She breathes heavily like she was drowning and she managed to get to the surface the last minute. Like her heart skipped a beat, but that wouldn’t be possible because it didn’t beat, like her stomach contracted in some sort of happy anxiety but it didn’t. It’s an odd response to silence.

Unable to walk or to talk she stays there speechless looking at nowhere. Images immerging in her mind, hopes again, a home, finding a home at last, something to call hers, something to live for. Like a rapid storm of images that makes her want to scream and cry in joy but on the outside, she stands there frozen. Light? A crack and a tiny ray of hope and salvation warming her face again. Salvation, catharsis. Maybe there will be a relief this time. Maybe, all the maybe(s)...

She stays looking at the floor for some seconds but the, she regains her posture and wipes out her previous odd reaction while listening to Kira carefully. Kira's response oddly passionate but Helen nods with a sobriety but there is still a tremble in her right ankle, visible now because of the men’s pants.

“Their choice, their happiness, their wish. Always.” She whispers but it seems like there is something in her throat that makes her unable to speak more. The Ventrue seems unable to be articulate at that moment.

[Christine Daye]

Christine laughs, madness in her tones. Happily she sings to herself:

"...oh I got a lover
I got a lover and he can pray
And I said if I should die
And my soul become lost
Well I know, it's nobody's fault but mine..."

She falls silent, looking over the waters, listening to Kira's lecture. The Malkavian's gaze is distant, but serene. She's obviously thinking intently, but her face gives no indication of the nature of her thoughts.

(memories of moonlight slanting through stained glass windows)

Then, blithely:

"Your offer of accompaniment is most kind, Mr Kai. Thank you."

She likes to have the last word, so she can have it.

She tries not to wince at Kira's talk of torturing instruments, forcing them beyond their natural range. The thought makes her physically sick. Covers by nodding. Duet for violin and viola... now there's a surprise.

"Yes, the alto C clef is quite a pain to write on, isn't it? I struggle with it myself... I am far more used to treble and bass... when I last wrote for trio, I must confess that I wrote the viola part on the treble clef and then rewrote it on the alto once the harmonies were... secure..."

She smiles serenely.

"Your piece sounds quite astonishing and ground breaking. Would I be able to hear it one day? Or perhaps even just see the score? Call it... professional curiosity... I always love to hear new music!"

Then, going to the subject of Kira's lecture.

"...forgive me, Mr Kai... but I fear that I must play Devil's advocate here.... For sure I agree with you that the other's wishes must - must! be taken into account in any decision of such magnitude. But I fear that we live in a world where sometimes we cannot ask, but have only the time to act.

"So, I ask you truly, if it came to a heartbeat decision between the death or the life of one you loved - what would you do? To pause for their choice is to see them die... so you must make the choice for them. What would you do?"

There's curiosity in her eyes as she regards the Toreador.

"If it is any help to you, I tell you truly, that I would see them live. Even if they lived to hate me for it. So perhaps I too shall find myself in this new circle of Dante's Hell. But for the life of my love, I would sing as I burned."

[LittleBird]

Kira bows her head, "You are most welcome Miss Daae,"

She raises her brow catching a oddness in the singers nodm "Hmm, well, I do not find different keys a pain to write on at all, once the emotion comes brings the technique and knowledge naturally it seems. See, tis merely the conversation went further then our original places could allow...so, we broadened our horizons and the instruments in the process. Music is music, regardless, the tone is still beautiful, different yet still full. You do not tell off a Alto for singing a tenors notes, you would congratulate her on her range...and if one can further expand a instruments range and keep the tone as pure as she can, well, isn't that yet another feat to be congratulated? A bridge built between two? Harmonies that were never heard before were passed between such strings, twas a special phrase in the piece, nothing in the works I feel we could easily replicate, at least not with the same soul." she admits.

"Ohh? That's quite a stream lined way of getting around it-" she claps one hand against the other, never having thought of such, never having need to but still, tis fascinating to see how others work and learn with the language of music. "oh I love good trios!-as you no doubt can tell for my love of Faust. Have you heard your piece ever performed? Or is it confined to paper and your own ear?"

"Mmmm, maybe I could show a phrase or two of the violins part of the piece in time? Not the sheet music though, as I said, the piece is not just my own, and it will no doubt stay a work in progress for decades to come-but that's fine, I hope the music never ends,"

"I would be happy enough to show you pieces I told you about where the vocal line and libretto needed work? Your ear for such things would be a remarkable aid,"

Kira smiles, open palmed, happy to hear Christine's words in regards to the Helen's question and her own answer. Yet the shine of her eyes dim a little as if this was a situation they had lost their shine too, had predicted it and become dull on that revelation.

"I would save them-they would live," Kira responds instantly, before Christine can finish almost, The only time I may briefly pause would be if it were an action by their own hand... Kira looks out.

"Yet still, I would say that is another matter entirely, did you perhaps mishear our dear friend?" Kira gestures to Helen, and speaks in a gentle supporting tone as she offers, "Maybe you should listen more closely?"

"The question was 'If a family member dies, is it a sin to try to bring them back? Is it selfishness?'..." she reminds Christine.

"You are moving the subject along to a different horizon entirely...in a situation between taking action to save them or watching them die by inaction? A situation with no time for thinking sooo what? On a battlefield? From a rafter? Midway through a potential assassination? What? Defending them I shall assume from your turn of phrase, well-" Kira shrugs as if such a option meant nothing to her, "Of course anyone would save them-what stakes are you trying to hint at there?" Kira looks a little tired and confused at what Christine is aiming for with this train of thought, the singers grandiose words make it appear as deep as a ocean yet it is appears as shallow as a rain drop on a mirror.

"Unless I've misinterpreted your question?" Kira asks, the light in her eyes returning, hopeful that she did misunderstand, hopeful that Christine will correct her and they can get back on track, "Of course in a heart beat or under I would save them, we all would." Kira repeats that sentiment once more, before slowly continuing, trying to figure what point the singer wanted to prove, "Why do you announce your own statement of such as if it were such a surprise? Context matters Christine, though your own question had none that I could discern," she tilts her head sheepishly.

"But sure, yes, I am trying to understand,..." her words trail off, thinking aloud, trying to piece it, " you would sing as you burned? For them? No, again Miss Daae, you speak as if you only focus the pain on yourself as opposed to trying to open your eyes to others,...what if by them living, you ensured they burned? But would you be too busy singing in your own flames, blinded by you, yourself and thy owns stage light, to even give them a hand...?"